the disclaimer...

why blog- for my sanity... no other reason...

in a very uncertain time in my world, I quickly tell you that although the hopeless optimist I still am, things are pretty tough right now... I will still try so very hard to find the happy things... but please bear with me when I fall below your expectations at times. These next few months are going to be the hardest I have ever faced. I hope to find rainbows and butterflies each day- but reality is that with the rediculous amounts of medication and the lifestyle changes I am facing- I may not always make you feel better about you or leave you inspired by my words. PRobably really not tonight.

What I can promise is honesty. Some probably really want to know my reality- truly- others probably don't and that, too is okay.

My reality hit yesterday in a 2 hour span with a home health nurse. She was eager to inform and so sweet, yet I just wanted her to stop- tell me nothing and not act like life was not about to change. As I found myself breaking down to a complete stranger, I had my first pitty party I have had... let's see... EVER. The hard part is it hasn't stopped.

So with that said, I am allowing myself 2 minutes to get it all out so I can move past it and get my attitude right before Friday.

... I watch life going on around me and realize that this is my fight- no one else's. I try to remember when my priority was what I was going to do Friday night, what I would wear, and all the other trivial things that really do not matter anymore. It's nothing about the fear of the surgery, that is the least of my worries. I have a pain tolerance untouchable by most. It's truly about the emotions. I am just so sad right now- and can't even explain it. Sometimes holding back tears when there is nothing to cry about.

Pretty sure it is the uncertainty... (coupled with high doeses of steroids) The good 'ol control freak that I am- uncertainty is about as comfortable as a wedgie. It's about needing my family and friends like never before, just to be there- just to make me smile, to help me find my smile when I am not searching in the right place for it, or making me find a new way to smile or get through my fears. I feel like an outsider in my world- not sure why... seeing things in a different way-

ok- 2 minutes are up- not even going to re-read this- for it is truly what came out without my editing or wanting things to sound ok- it was raw.

Ok- lied- I do have another expectation of this "reblogging".... I hope to regain one thing. My strength- mental and emotional strength that is. This entry is to give myself a swift kick in the ass like no one else can. I have to face this head on and find my strength to go day by day...

ok- if I EVER do that again- someone needs to kick me harder....

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